Watching Zinedine Zidane, the new coach of the French men's national team, race down the sidelines and kick a soccer ball with sheer delight reminded me of an incident one summer day in Paris.

The Lost Ball

I was strolling after lunch and saw some teenage boys playing with a soccer ball on a fenced-in rooftop court. I let my mind wander and didn’t see how it happened. Suddenly, the soccer ball was on the sidewalk bouncing into the street.

The boys were shouting “oh, non, oh non” and looking down at their ball moving further away. I dribbled clumsily to lift it into my hands. The boys’ cries quickly changed to “ah oui, ah oui” as they realized they might recover the soccer ball.

I wish this story ended like that viral video where the woman turns out to be a world class player.

Instead, I stood holding the ball, internally panicking. I was wearing a skirt and had tendonitis in one arm. How was I going to get their ball over a fence, the top of which was at least 30 feet (9 meters) high.

"Heroism" and Its Consequences

Just as I started to say “I don’t think I...,” a young man's voice on the sidewalk near me asked: “Will you be able to do it, madam?” I was so relieved to be able to confess my limits and have him restore the ball to the boys.

Before I could respond, a second man wordlessly and abruptly snatched the ball from my hands. He awkwardly heaved it over the fence and walked away. The kids cheered. Mission accomplished, right?

To the second man, I was instantly a damsel in distress. He was the hero, my savior. To the first young man (and the cheering kids), I was potentially capable. The ally seemed willing to allow me to try to find a way and waited for me to accept his offer of help. The "hero" took away my agency.

The first young man said to the women with him: “I would have kicked it over.” By swooping in to save the day, the "hero" also deprived the younger man of the opportunity to use skills more adapted to the problem and stymied a more elegant solution.

Three Questions

Allyship is not about saving or mindlessly helping. It is about authorizing, encouraging, empowering and co-creating solutions with those who are more remote from social-identity derived power.

To check whether you're being a savior or acting as an ally, ask yourself three questions:

• Do I really know what they are feeling or am I projecting?
• Do I really know what they need or want or am I assuming?
• Does my solution address the real harm in a manner that avoids additional harm?

With intention and practice, we can all move further away from saviorism to effective allyship (and eventually to accompliceship, but that's for another time).